I know pretty much next to nothing about love. I know even less about relationships. I kind of want to blame my parents but that would be misplaced as they have celebrated over 25 years of marriage together. However I can count on one hand the number of serious or steady relationships that I have been in, and even less digits represent the amount of times I’ve ever been legitimately and hopelessly in love. Or have loved?
These stupid phrases are all a question of semantics. In love. I love you. I love you too. Falling for you. Aargh, damn Shakespeare.
I’ve been googling what love is…, and some I say yes, some I say no. It’s the hardest thing in the world to process and analyse what love is- something so illogical that has such a profound impact on you.
I recognise in myself a certain pattern. Girl meets guy/girl. Girl gets excited and delves into it. Girl senses partner is serious and decides to either flee or fight for the relationship… more often than not to flee. When Girl chooses to stay, insecurity still exists and issues are created, whether consciously or unconsciously forcing girl to leave anyway in search of something better or a fresh start.
It’s hard for me to identify when things go wrong in a relationship, however I recognise that there are only extremes when it comes to myself and my love life. Really good or really bad. I’ve never had a relationship that was just meh… sure I became bored, but there was always a point where I was actively attempting to destroy it or strengthen it.
I know I have the ability to make someone feel most special and beloved, and on the other end of the spectrum be completely cold. I demand affection and then feel repelled and smothered by displays of love.
Blame my family?
I can’t believe that negative dynamics in the role between parent and child have affected my ability to love and commit to someone. My parents are very lovey-dovey, and not cold towards each other. I surely didn’t inherit my behaviour from them. They have remained monogamous and steadfast in their commitment to each other while I am inconsistent in the fidelity department.
Blame the voices in my head?
I won’t lie, my inner critic is a monster. Terrorising me yet creating a wall of arrogant protection around my heart. The voice demands perfection from people, unreasonable expectations and unwilling to compromise in love. No one is good enough for me, everyone is temporary until I find something better. It’s distasteful to admit that my mind has forced me into a state of expected perfection in all realms of my life. I used to have low-self-confidence, but now this new found arrogance and assertiveness has me feeling guilty for the way I think, humiliated by what I believe I deserve.
I am surprised to find how desperately I crave love, and I throw myself into one relationship after another fearing being alone. However I have never felt more alone in a relationship than when I am truly alone.
I am someone who values and is yearning more and more for stability and commitment, so how does it make sense that I fear love?
Vulnerability and taking a risk with our hearts is beyond frightening. And why? Because people suck and are hurtful and are more used to causing pain and destruction. However isn’t it then irrational that we pursue love knowing the hurt it will cause? Even when we swear off love, it’s only a temporary promise to keep our heart chaste.
Love is also unequal. There is always the one who cares too much and the one who doesn’t care enough is the one who has the most power. Feelings are also static, they evolve and devolve which could cause hurt and rejection along the way. How can we love, but be angered and irritated by someone we love. Why is the heart such a wishy washy organ?
Don’t blame me I’m a Gemini?
It makes me feel better that astrologists recognise that the Gemini sign is one of the most misunderstood of the zodiac.
So I lack consistency?… but there is no such thing as a constant emotion. We are not robots, so why would someone expect me to churn out a standard sort of feeling towards them.
Superficial… that doesn’t make sense when we over analyse things to death and weigh all the options. Having a very long list and high expectations should be a sign of confidence and knowing what I want…surely…
Lack of decision making ability… yes because I am in two minds and can see both sides of the story.
Lack of Direction… I call BS on that one. I know where I’m going, who’s coming with me? That’s a whole other conversation…
Anxious? Wouldn’t you be if you had so many voices in your head fighting for attention?
How can Mr Right suddenly feel like Mr Wrong?
What is it that changes, and this applies to all relationships? I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but this is where my thought process is going. Perhaps there is no such thing as a Mr Right, but rather Mr Right Now. And it’s something that people should just accept. We can put blame on that.
The green light
I struggle with seeing people as just people – especially those who I am in relationships. Depending on my mood I will have dallied with Apollo and teased Poseiden, avoided Hades.
Daisy and Gatsby had a wonderful time together. She could create dreams with reckless abandon, a time of youth and wonder and love. Oh Jay is so wonderful and the potential is there, the promise and the hope of a better future… just within reach like that elusive green light.
All the bright precious things fade so fast…and they don’t come back – Daisy Buchanan
Did Daisy Buchanan ever commit to waiting for Gatsby? Was it a mutual agreement or a non-verbal promise? I don’t think Daisy was flighty… she showed such a deep capacity for love and the need to be loved in return.
I am no Daisy but something preoccupy in me is this constant waiting as I weigh the variables. Daisy always knew that Gatsby was out there but did she know he was fighting for her and even if she did, did that make a difference? When Daisy met up with Gatsby again, Gatsby didn’t try to take her away from her home, make her leave her husband (until the very end) and her child. He was perfectly content with the image of her she gave him in the few hours they frolicked. Was Daisy ever Gatsby’s to own and possess and have in his life to treasure?
Even now as I write this there’s a letter in my inbox, an insistent whatsapp on my phone or a phone call I’d rather not take right now. My thoughts are already uneasy. I just need peace and quiet and for all the voices in my head to stop playing the blame game so that I can figure my next move.
I didn’t ask for this to happen. They always say that when you make a plan, God laughs. If I could live my life according to my plans I’d be perfectly happy. Despite my need not to feel tied down, I despise variables. I have so many pathways ahead and no map, not even a sense of direction to a possible positive outcome. It’s hurting me, emotions causing physical exhaustion. Do I wait for a sign? Do I turn back?