An addiction to the odds / Dancing around the salt

Sometimes I feel so brave… invincible even. Apparently it’s a sign of youth. You aren’t restricted by mortal concerns, in fact you flourish more knowing that the opportunities are endless, that the world is yours.

I feel out of sorts because the older I get, the more I want to risk more, do more, try more and be more. I’m almost 27 years old, birthdays are a big deal for me – I know my friends don’t get it, but each 25th May is like a marker – measuring how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned and how much learning I still have to do.

I’ve always admired courage – and I never saw myself as someone with valor. I don’t see myself as a hero, or a warrior even although I’d like to be considered a fighter some what.

But I realize that when I finally realize what I want, I’m going to go for it – no matter how hard. That it’s worth trying.

Everything in my life in 2017 is going according to plan – except one thing. See you cannot be brave without fear… you cannot have fear without potentially losing something.

“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.” – George R.R. Martin

Once upon a time, my shrink told me I had a gambling personality – she made it sound bad, an addiction to the odds. I didn’t like her, or that statement although sometimes it is true. Why should we not take a gamble on life – if we truly believe that the goal is worth it. It’s a frightening thought. I’m supposed to be settling down, becoming more conservative and stable… yet the more I gain, the more I want to push myself, and push those around me to realize that life is fleeting and shouldn’t we be living it to the fullest.

You have nothing to lose if you go for it – the worse that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. But at least you will have your answer… perhaps the dice didn’t fall in your favor or you bust.

I had a long talk with my girl Amy, the other night. And what she said resonated with me so  much…

“What are we waiting for? If the excuse is not good enough, then I’m sorry you’re wasting time”. I hate wasting time. Amy uses this perfect imagery while we are at dinner. She places a salt shaker in front of me, then uses her fingers to tap the table around the shaker. She calls it “dancing around the salt”.

I think it would help if I didn’t feel that being brave wasn’t all on me – that it resonated in and amongst those I’m closest too. It’s hard being brave alone. But I have to do it, until someone joins me for the ride.

I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free. – Dominic Toretto (The Fast and Furious)


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