When you just can’t anymore

Sitting at my desk this morning – I can’t believe I survived this past week. As I reflect on the emotional wreck I was, no really it was touch and go for a split second.

From Wednesday morning, en route to work, all I heard on the radio was the horrendous story about taxi rapes… this was not a once off incident of a woman being raped in front of her child. This apparently had been happening since 2016 – the police did nothing, the community did nothing. Until Wednesday there was no anger no will to act. In fact it was quite surprising hearing men get angry. As the day went by, more rapes came to light – more stories were told on Thursday.

It was then that I was done.

I remember driving my car to soccer practice and then swerving off to the side of the road.. I cried quickly, I cried hard. And then once I had gotten it out my system, I continued on my journey. Life doesn’t wait for you when you are going through an ordeal. It keeps on going, and you either need to move with it, catch up or get left behind.

But sometimes you can’t anymore… when the whole world expects you to can.

You accept a ride with someone you relatively trust – a taxi driver, or in my case – someone I’d had many conversations even jokes with. And well… the journey you come out different, the destination is not what you planned. A single ride which can change your entire outlook on life.

I can’t be scared anymore but I am. I was mugged on Saturday and I could care less about my phone. What I feared most was the invasion into my space…again. That as always, my thoughts go to the ‘it could have been worse’… and that this is our reality as women… that can’t be okay. It doesn’t make it easier if it’s happened before, it makes it harder because you expect. In every face, around every corner.

So this weekend I couldn’t…

I couldn’t be the sounding board for my friends and offer advice

I couldn’t leave my bed and I couldn’t put down my drink

I couldn’t give permission to someone to worry about me

and I couldn’t be strong and in control .

 

rainbow

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