26 truths as I turn 26

  1. I don’t remember turning 25, as a friend had poured half a bottle of tequila down my throat. But that makes me happy, not remembering.
  2. I cried at the birthday party at my house – in private – and then was expected to give a very public speech… which was terrible.
  3. I have low expectations for this birthday – I don’t want to be disappointed.
  4. As it stands, I’m probably not going to get married… less of an option are kids, although being a surrogate for my best friend is still on the cards.
  5. I suffer from extreme anxiety – to the point where I begin blacking out – but I’m unwillingly to do anything about it because I don’t want to have to deal with “you’re broken, let’s fix it” rhetoric.
  6. I’m convinced that one can only have one soul mate, unfortunately my time is over. That doesn’t mean however that I can’t love another person, I’ve proved time and again I can.
  7. I’m insanely jealous of some of my peers and friends who live the life I imagine for myself.
  8. Every night I pray, despite my hedonistic lifestyle.
  9. I wish I wasn’t so selfish, but then again I wish more people are, or admitted they are.
  10. Talking about my rape is not healing.
  11. I still get hung up on the death of my grandmother, she died when I was 7.
  12. I haven’t spoken to my family since November 2015… I’m okay with that, because I need to protect myself and take care of me. But I really miss my sister.
  13. If I had to die today, I’d regret nothing because I take ownership of all the decisions I’ve ever made, and would probably repeat them again.
  14. I value friends more than I do family, because I choose them and they choose you – there are no obligations and burdens placed on each other.
  15. My darkest moment of 25 was attending midnight mass, essentially alone.
  16. I wake up angry sometimes, because I’d rather not have woken up ever again.
  17. I wish I could have more alone time, and I’m saving  for a trip and dreaming of a good 3 to 4 months without having to connect to anybody.
  18. I don’t value honesty, I think everyone has the reasons to lie and I’m okay with it as long as it serves a purpose.
  19. If a genie popped up, I’d have him wish me away… we can start in Peru, or Jordan, or Japan.
  20. My latest addiction is going onto online shopping sites and property sites and liking/building a wish list of things I can’t afford.
  21. I generally am future-orientated more than anything. It’s a strength and a weakness of mine.
  22. The real reason I haven’t finished one of my many novels, is because I fear rejection and fear that I may realize I’m not a good enough writer.
  23. I generally believe that I am better than a lot of people, friends and loved ones included, and narcissism is a helpful safety net to get me to where I want to be.
  24. I have no clue how to handle money, and firmly believe more money will solve my problems. I am adamant to be debt free by next year.
  25. For once I am so sure of every step and calculated risk I take – I can’t wait to see the results.
  26. Even if 2016 is not my year, I’m determined to make it so anyway.
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