Turning grapes of Wrath into wine

Anger is such an exhausting emotion, which is odd. When you look at violent rage in media it seeks like it would be quite exhilarating to shout at or hurt someone,  that there is a natural high gained from the release of that pent up tension and emotion.

But it’s not the case, anger is so silent and subversive… You’re not too sure when you became angered by something or if you ever stopped. The constant weight of the monotony of anger is what is most draining – it is almost understandable when violence is seen as an answer. Violence against others or yourself.

I have never seen myself as an angry person. For most of my youth I was able to summon a smile and a witty can-do attitude from anywhere at anytime. It was only when I saw my first quack that she immediately recognized the anger within me.

Since then I feel the explosion tempered down with politeness and rationality. It seethes and bubbles and occasionally lashes out with sarcastic comments. But more often than not I want to break something or someone – but I can’t because of the regret I’d feel.  Naturally the only place to turn to in anger,  is myself.

I have a lot to be angry about. When you’re in a constant state of anger all the unfairness you perceive is justified and made into legitimate attacks against your being. It’s hard to not fall into a victim mentality – rather be a victim than an attacker right?

So why don’t I do anything about it?  Because my only response to this lividness of being that I feel is to cry…  Because it is so hard to articulate the loathing and resentment within and for what?  So that I can at best case scenario receive an apology? Or excuses? Or complete dismissive attitude over my feelings?

It kind of makes me think why it is so difficult to mend relationships after a negative occurrence. Is it because we don’t know how WE want the person who we see has wronged us to atone?  So we make them jump through hoops…  The apology which is a plaster over a gunshot wound.  Acts of atonement which you question the sincerity of. It’s all so complicated.

We are beings of vengeance and once wronged,  forgiveness cannot be attained. They say to forgive is divine and we are merely human.  It’s a pity rage and revenge went out with the 1st testament.  I guess us who harbour wrath need to wait for the 2nd coming for new orders.

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