Avarice

Are we wired as human beings to want what we can’t have? And is this greed or something else?

I’ve always been a restless spirit – competitive, ambitious and a dreamer. I was never satisfied, and achievement didn’t satiate me but only increased the cravings for more. Even know as I sit and reflect on my accomplishments, while I don’t dismiss them – I’m left with a feeling that there has to be something else that can be achieved. There has to be something else to conquer.

I’ve been given so much already, blessed with a wonderful life and an impressive future. Yet is this the feeling that awaits me – a yearning that I will never truly rest easy until the grave as my ambition drags me through the rest of my life.

I’ve been spoilt, given a lot of things I didn’t necessarily ask for, but that have made themselves available for my pleasure. Yet it is so easy for me to diminish that to mere indifference. Why? Because I haven’t worked for it, it was too easy, I wasn’t challenged – these are just some of the excuses I tell myself. I don’t humbly decline these offerings, I accept them and enjoy the fruits of my lack of labour.

I only seem to respect myself if I have to fight for something – and that something has to be worthy of my life and my plans. When did we start striving for the unattainable? It seems that the more complicated and impossible the challenge, the more I want it and need to make it happen for myself. Is this greed? Do I genuinely want this goal because of my passion and emotional connection to it or is it because it challenges me and doesn’t make my life easier? Does it make me ungrateful to dismiss those offerings for something that in itself is nothing more than an idea, not concrete reality. A childish fantasy, if you will. La douleur equise. 

Those who offer me everything on a silver platter end up hurt – because seem to ungratefully dismiss their pledge to my happiness for something that isn’t guaranteed. There seem to be always ramifications for going after what you want.

I don’t think it is right to live in fear of not setting out to achieve something. But I don’t want to be so consumed with want, that I am a complete hedon either.

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