Indigo, Orange and Turquoise

A colour therapist came to visit at work this week- and while I still think she’s a quack, I can’t escape what happened, what came to light. I closed my eyes as she shuffled coloured liquid encased in glasses around on the table. She told me to open my eyes choose the three colours that stood out most to me. 

Indigo.

Orange. 

Turquoise. 

One colour affects all, like the rainbow or a prism they cannot be separated. Just like how one problem will influence another and so the cycle shifts around. 

If he can only perform good or only perform evil, then he is a clockwork orange—meaning that he has the appearance of an organism lovely with colour and juice but is in fact only a clockwork toy to be wound up by God or the Devil

I can’t decide if I am the orange, or he is. I know I only have the appearance of beauty and life, but he did too- not the beauty part. I didn’t see a devil pulling his strings- I don’t know if the devil made him do it. Was it Lucifer who pointed me out to him? Or did the idea of me, me heart and soul draw him in? I have convinced myself that I have not been affected, that I am still ripe for the picking. But if that is true, why can everyone see such rottenness within me? I’m stuck in a limbo… perhaps my strings have been cut off. Or did I cut off my own strings- my life lines?

There are moments when I can’t breathe- everything that ever happened goes back to that night when he took something from me. And I cannot convince myself, no matter how many affirmations I absorb, that it wasn’t my fault. To be fair I did entice him, I wasn’t shy that I knew he was into me. I brazenly answered his questions and I’ve given enough safety talks to know I acted with stupidity. Which is why I’ve tried so hard to be strong and accept that this shit happens in life. I’m not special. I need to just let it go and move on. Life’s hard. It’s tough. Just because a piece is missing, doesn’t mean I can be broken. 

Or does it?

According to the colour quack, this is where my blockage rests. The root of the problem.  More often than not, orange is associated with excitement and joy but when the orange chakra is blocked it can cause problems. Am I withdrawn? I’m struggle to communicate assertively. Am I destructive? Perhaps- my career and love life and probably my liver are going to shit. Despondent? See previous answer. Over-dependent? Trying so hard not to be. 

Indigo has a purifying, stabilizing, cleansing effect when fear, repression, and obsessions have disturbed your mental body.

Indigo is all about trust- that much I know I have little to none of. I trusted my friends with my secret and the guy who I thought was the love of my life. I was fearless, I felt in control. Now I trust no one. It can’t be his fault though, he couldn’t be expected to carry such a burden. You can’t build a life with used goods. 

Our love was somewhere between blue and green. I thought it was turquoise, and she thought it was teal, and that’s ultimately why we broke up

Turquoise is communication. Apparently my lack of trust and my blockage are preventing me from communicating properly with myself and others. It’s affecting my work and my personal life. 

I can’t keep telling my sick, sick story, hoping that maybe Prince or Princess Charming will see this as a useful chapter for their happy ending. Its exhausting and traumatic and each time I talk about it, I don’t know what the reaction will be. Because I didn’t have answers from the last break up, I can’t rule out the possibility that I am unwanted because of what happened 2 years ago. I wish I had answers, but that would require me to continuously put myself out there- like I did the first time I attracted that Clockwork Orange. 

I have this really amazing person in my life, but I seem intent on sabotaging it. Or maybe I’m settling. Who knows? I sure as hell don’t. 

There’s nothing easy about understanding colours. I guess thats why the Irish decided to plunk a casket full of gold at the end of a stream of them. Wishful thinking? Maybe so… but hey, we have to push on…

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