The Break: S01E05 and E06

Everyone expects me to be okay. Like I’m supposed to just smile and take these feelings laying down. It’s been tough.  Yet no one seems to be acknowledging my pain in this.
I’ve tried so hard.  I’ve been trying hard. Yet I worry that It won’t be enough.  There will always be something, someone better.

I can’t stop thinking,  about Him. It’s frustrating and wonderful and painful and oh, I don’t know. Seeing him today was amazing and weird, yet  he tiptoes around me like a stranger.  As if nothing was wrong.

He’s okay with seeing other people by the way. I know seeing him with someone else would break me. I was out tonight,  many a guy tried things with me. But in my mind, I’m still taken. I didn’t even entertain them.

Slim shady was ridiculously great tonight.  I got to be legitimately angry, at him, at my life.  Despite my anger, I wish he was with me. When I suggested the concert so that he can enjoy what makes me happy too.  When I saw him tonight , he looked right through me. I hated that.  It’s not fair.
You know, my mom brought up a good point.  How come it seems like I’m the only one who’s hurting?

*Commercial break*

I deserve better. I want better. I’ve fought so hard for this, but I want to be fought for. I don’t want someone to give up on me, because it would never cross my mind to do the same.

Relationships like anything thing have conflicts and problems I understand that. Like a puzzle,  sometimes you lose the picture of what it’s supposed to look like, or there are missing pieces.  But you start with the corner and outline pieces and work your way in. You can give up, but the whole part of the fun is figuring it out and testing your resilience. Sometimes you put in the last piece, and you realise that there are still gaps, but there is still a happy satisfaction that you’ve done what you can. You don’t mind then putting the puzzle away, knowing it was good while it lasted.

I’m playing chess, he’s playing Crazy 8th.  And I feel like he has the better, more powerful hand. I’ve been skipped, turned around and made to pick up more than I expected.

I realised today that if he isn’t prepared to fight for us, that will be the last piece I will put into the puzzle. And I will walk away, disappointed, broken hearted, but not broken.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom

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6 thoughts on “The Break: S01E05 and E06

  1. Lift your head up high and get on with the things that need to be done and get on with the things that you love to do. You should not hold your breath for a guy. So keep breathing. 🙂

    • That’s perfect. Your words remind me of “waiting to exhale”. It’s weird trying to reclaim that part of my life, trying to remember what I do love to do

      • I am so glad. Beautiful people will come and go in your life so you might as well always continue doing things that give YOU meaning to your life and let people share your journey with you. It is easy to forget. So important to realise. 🙂

  2. I’ve read some of your posts, some of the comments and in writing your pain, you release me. Sounds a bit sick, I know, but I get it. So much of what you’ve been writing, some of the comments. It’s good to see what I’ve been thinking, feeling reflected back, it’s good for me I guess. So I thank you.
    Much love Mal.

    • Means so much babe. I’m not an exhibitionist, I’m quite a private person. Putting all this stuff out there makes me feel so vulnerable and I worry that people will think that I’m pathetic. But these feelings are natural, I can’t do anything about it and there’s nothing that can be done except to write

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