I understand why men have little to no faith in my sex. I can barely spare them a hint of empathy either. We say one thing, think another, and expect something completely different. We are not the most logical of creatures.
Tonight I went out with some mates, having a good time. Unfortunately, despite the giganticness of Joburg, these were mutual friends shared by me and Him. It felt weird, knowing He knew where I was- friends asking if He wanted to join and He, clearly denying it. I was a bit hurt, I won’t lie… but the rational (non-female) side of me realised that maybe he was just respecting my wishes, respecting one of the rules of The Break, where we don’t hang with mutual friends, in the same space.
I don’t really know, but I think I have to tell myself this to keep myself sane.
My mates had lots of fun jokes, ragging on me about Him. It’s okay, they’re practically family and rudeness is how we show love. However when a random stranger (at least to me, she was obviously part of our group but not someone I consider a friend) decided to join in, it took all my years of Dramatic Arts to put on my Prefect smile and not slap her. She doesn’t know me, how dare she think it okay to comment on my love life… or lack there of?
It turned my whole mood sour, which is why I’m at home and He is probably still out jamming. I wonder if he thinks of me as I do him- obviously I know I’m obsessive, but it would be nice to know that I’m thought of.
I worry about tomorrow. It’s Eminem’s concert and I’ve been told by mutual friends that I must suck it up because we’re jamming together. I know that we’re both chilled people, no scene will be made. But I won’t lie, it will be hard… and Slim has that way of bringing out anger and angst in people.
I guess I’ll update you on that tomorrow.
I got into an accident today, I somehow knew I would. I’m convinced during this period that I will have the worst luck. I imagined getting into an accident, I imagined someone in my family dying which I know is quite morbid. Let me explain…
As soon as I got into the accident (which I promise was not my fault) I instinctively wanted to let him know. There was minor damage and no one was injured. I fretted a good while wondering if I should tell him, part of me was glad it happened so that I had an excuse to talk to him and let him know how I was doing. How messed up is that? It was a few messages that passed between us, but I appreciated that there was genuine concern- yet it still felt so uncomfortable.
I hated that. He doesn’t know it, but he’s not only my love but a best friend of mine. Someone who I intuitively reach out to when something happens. Now that the channels of communication are stricter between us, I’m stuck once again realising my own loneliness.
I don’t know where to go from here. I guess all I have is hope.
Serentiy. Courage. Wisdom.