The world doesn’t have a problem with me; I have a problem with the world

If you’ve been following up on my blog, I’ve been struggling with work issues lately- trying to better myself and becoming continuously frustrated when things don’t work out. After a long discussion with my boyfriend this weekend, he helped me identify that I was grappling with two issues: my work and the environment.

My previous posts have addressed the former, so today the focus is on the latter. It is wrong to say that I hate the environment that I am working in—it really can be narrowed down to a few people who really just grate my nerves.

However, since I am all about positivity and introspection I’ve decided to look at the characteristics that I so despise and which continue to upset me and try and find similar instances where I am actually a reflection of the problem I have with other people.

“He is rude; he talks to me like a dog. All he is missing is a bell”

This is the first thought I had, and I struggle to see myself every talking to someone so disrespectfully. Have a treated someone as inferior to me? I struggle to remember. But I do know that there have been instances where I do have a superiority complex, where I do have so much pride that I am unapologetic about the way I treat people.

“He is so arrogant, he always thinks he knows best and that he is always in the right”

Hmmm, definitely starting to sound more familiar. I know that I have trouble apologising, admitting when I am in the wrong.

“He is so lazy; he doesn’t do any work and expects me to pick up the slack”

I can be very lazy, due to my procrastination.  I think back on all the times where I didn’t show up to class because I was apparently too tired, or didn’t give it my all in group assignments- what about those who I had made pick up my slack.

“He is so dismissive, he completely undermines me”

I have been dismissive of many of my relationships, particularly with the feelings of my parents in the past. I took them, their love and support for granted and I am still suffering the consequences and attempting to repair the damage.

“She is so distant; she removes herself from the situation and really doesn’t know what is going on out here”

I’m definitely staring at my reflection with this one. All too often I choose to remove myself from a complicated situation, choosing instead to live in a fantasy world where I can have a temporary, false happiness. Whether it was relationships or school or family, living in my head seemed a far more wonderful place to live than in reality.

“They talk behind peoples backs, having their own private conversations”

I am definitely guilty of this gossiping trait, and maybe I misconstrued it as loyalty. But really I got involved in conversations that really weren’t my business and ended up putting myself in awkward positions I should never have been in.

“He is insensitive and inconsiderate, he only cares about himself”

Hitting the nail on the head again, my selfishness is reflected. I didn’t care who I hurt or was affected by my actions as long as I was ‘happy’.

Now this doesn’t mean that I deserve to be treated badly- however I am not completely innocent of such behaviour either. If I want to change the way I view the world and have a problem with the world, I need to source the problems within me.

If I am unhappy with the world, I am unhappy with myself.

I start to think about what I want from these people who upset me so much, and it is basically the opposite of what was mentioned above. I think I am mostly upset because I see myself as having changed or in the process of changing- moving away from the behaviour that is now being acted upon me. Karma is a bitch I guess.

But at the same time I realise how difficult it is to truly change oneself- our habits are kind of like an addiction. Once we are fixed, it is so easy to slip and continue.

The world is not asking me to be perfect; therefore I shouldn’t expect it to be.

But the changes I make in myself, I need to take them seriously and not be surprised that if I do slip up, to myself having a problem with the world again.

I don’t like looking at my reflection in the mirror- there are too many things to criticise. Looking out a window is much easier as there is no reflection to point at, but other people who have their own problems with the world.

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