I do not consider myself a selfless person, I am selfish and self-interested. I’ve messed up quite a bit in the past, always putting myself above what is really important. Partying instead of focusing on my studies, choosing friends over my family- I’m not the greatest of decision makers, I almost always make the wrong choice.
Because the honest truth is that when it mattered, I put how people would perceive me as more of a priority than how I would perceive myself. I chose to put others before me and it has never worked out.
I’ve been struggling to have a conversation with someone who I really respect, who gave me a chance and who I’ve grown close to. I want to tell her that I am not happy, that I’m not in a place I want to be and I want to move on to the next best thing. But I struggle to get the words out because I fear that she will be disappointed, and to me that has been worth staying miserable in my situation for so many weeks.
The place I want to be in is where I will feel in control and not constantly undermined and disrespected every day. It is a place where I can be creative and have more of a chance of balancing both work and studies- It’s something that I’ve always been passionate about and always wanted to do.
And I do feel guilty that my current situation is only a stepping stone to somewhere better. But should I feel guilty? If it is something that truly makes me happy, that is all I see myself doing.
I didn’t immediately get what I want because I was in a situation where I didn’t have the luxury of choice, hence I was given a small window of opportunity and I took it. But now I feel almost ashamed- I feel I am abusing this luxury, this chance and opportunity to want more. It sounds silly as I write this, but the fear is definitely there- the fear of wanting more. Only I stand in my own way.
But life is too short, too fleeting to be miserable. I am not an unhappy person by nature, moody yes, but being absolutely depressed does not suit me. I don’t want to be in the position that I complain every day, feeling worthless. Complaining can be so futile and exhausting, especially when the person who most needs to hear about my feelings is completely unaware.
So this week my goal is not only make the right choices for myself, but to also choose me. Because if I am going to be selfish, I may
“If thou openest not the gate to let me enter/ I will break the door, I will wrench the lock/ I will smash the door-posts, I will force the doors.”– Ishtar, Babylonian goddess of fertility, love , war and sex