Becoming a Goddess: Empowering myself

Those who meet me will always have one main impression of me- that I am opinionated, and give it freely.

When I was 10 years old, I was under the impression that I knew enough to teach the class- that I knew best. When I was 15 I refused to learn a language I deemed as racist and oppressive, and had to use synthetic paintbrushes because I felt squirrels were being mistreated. I was quite a handful- always being able to offer my two cents, even when no one wanted it.

However it is strange because when it really counts, when I have something to say- I shut up. You can’t get a word out of me. It starts with doubt, doubt in myself. Tonight, I wanted something really badly, but I started immediately thinking that there must be something wrong with me for wanting something- that I was being greedy, selfish and insensitive. .

Despite being asked several times what was wrong, I struggle to articulate my own wants, needs and desires- because, and it’s shameful to note, I feel that they are not worthy to be brought forward. Because I feel that in the grand scheme of things, what I want isn’t as important.

But that is not how I want to live my life- consequentially acting passive-aggressive because I am frustrated at the situation or waiting to snap a few days later and it comes out the wrong way. I’d prefer to be upfront and honest, and demand that my feelings and wants and needs have a place and deserve to be acknowledged.

When I continuously feel that what I have to say doesn’t count for much- I am choosing victimhood. Its how I felt coming out of a long-term break up where I knew it wasn’t healthy, when I go through a 12 day work week absolutely miserable and not acknowledging why, when I gave into the dark place…

And to think, what if I acknowledged long before I got too deep into the relationship that I wasn’t emotionally ready nor liked the way I was being treated. What if I had chosen to accept that work cannot always be sunshine and rainbows and I needed to Just Be Strong… what if I had spoken out and said I needed help before things got so bad that it almost tore my own life apart, and my families.

But if I keep depending on what ifs, soon I’ll be looking down from the Summerland and realised that I what if-ed my life away.

And I can’t have that.

I need to be strong, my opinions come from a good place- my instinct are good and if something is wrong I need to speak up immediately. A goddess doesn’t wait for someone to acknowledge her. Besides it’s easier to apologise than ask for permission.

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One thought on “Becoming a Goddess: Empowering myself

  1. You said it! You can’t live a life of “what ifs” The direction your life takes is all up to the decisions you make.
    You are right and Ghandi said it best “The change that you wish to see in the world”
    One of the best words of advice that I ever received about decisions is this: “Make decisions based on your goals and not your situation” Powerful words.
    That being said, speak your mind and live your life! It’s yours and you only get this one so don’t spend it with a cluster of “what ifs”.

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