Those who meet me will always have one main impression of me- that I am opinionated, and give it freely.
When I was 10 years old, I was under the impression that I knew enough to teach the class- that I knew best. When I was 15 I refused to learn a language I deemed as racist and oppressive, and had to use synthetic paintbrushes because I felt squirrels were being mistreated. I was quite a handful- always being able to offer my two cents, even when no one wanted it.
However it is strange because when it really counts, when I have something to say- I shut up. You can’t get a word out of me. It starts with doubt, doubt in myself. Tonight, I wanted something really badly, but I started immediately thinking that there must be something wrong with me for wanting something- that I was being greedy, selfish and insensitive. .
Despite being asked several times what was wrong, I struggle to articulate my own wants, needs and desires- because, and it’s shameful to note, I feel that they are not worthy to be brought forward. Because I feel that in the grand scheme of things, what I want isn’t as important.
But that is not how I want to live my life- consequentially acting passive-aggressive because I am frustrated at the situation or waiting to snap a few days later and it comes out the wrong way. I’d prefer to be upfront and honest, and demand that my feelings and wants and needs have a place and deserve to be acknowledged.
When I continuously feel that what I have to say doesn’t count for much- I am choosing victimhood. Its how I felt coming out of a long-term break up where I knew it wasn’t healthy, when I go through a 12 day work week absolutely miserable and not acknowledging why, when I gave into the dark place…
And to think, what if I acknowledged long before I got too deep into the relationship that I wasn’t emotionally ready nor liked the way I was being treated. What if I had chosen to accept that work cannot always be sunshine and rainbows and I needed to Just Be Strong… what if I had spoken out and said I needed help before things got so bad that it almost tore my own life apart, and my families.
But if I keep depending on what ifs, soon I’ll be looking down from the Summerland and realised that I what if-ed my life away.
And I can’t have that.
I need to be strong, my opinions come from a good place- my instinct are good and if something is wrong I need to speak up immediately. A goddess doesn’t wait for someone to acknowledge her. Besides it’s easier to apologise than ask for permission.