The problem with addiction is that it attacks and eats away at your own personal darkness, making you dependent on that feeling that it’s okay to be in the state you are in. It is difficult to ask for help, as you feel alone and unworthy of being aided.
It’s too easy to slip up, evil only goes after the weak and if there is weakness in your soul, you become a target. Anything from temptation to social pressures can bring about the darkness, and strangely enough the phrase: No man is an island, rings true. The whole idea of being forever alone is implausible as we are social creatures and life is a social game. No matter how you look at it, you need people in your life, whether to get ahead or to keep yourself afloat, we need to be connected with each other.
That is why I feel alive when I’m surrounded by those who I’m close to, those who I love. And it’s easy to lose hope and feel useless when I am alone. I have a genuine fear of being dependent on someone, it is too easy to transfer from one addiction to another- and it is possible to fear being addicted to someone. Because what happens when that person inevitable leaves? You will be left alone.
It shows how little trust I have in people, but can you blame me? If I see myself as flawed, there is 100% chance that the rest of humanity are just as flawed as I am. I guess that is something I need to rediscover- faith in humanity and realizing that humans aren’t perfect and we do fuck up occasionally… okay a lot.
I am so grateful to those who have stuck by me when times have gotten tough- they have been invaluable to my psyche and my life and they are in my prayers constantly. Its tit for tat- they’re kindness and support of me will allow me to serve them in turn.
Now I need to learn how to open up more, allow myself to open up to new joys and experiences and with that- new pain and to grow through that pain and suffering and now allow myself to be broken by it.