I’ve never had many solid relationships within my life, I am not the kind of person who falls in and out of love- my heart is not as fickle as my star sign. In the past, now that I’ve been reflecting, that for the most part I tend to hurt people a lot along the way, that I sabotage my own happiness. This is usually done by pushing them away, by breaking trust or doing something unforgiveable.
There was nothing self-righteous about my actions- actually I never really got away with anything or else I got away with everything and felt shit in the end that it didn’t feel like winning. One ex said to me that it’s because I have a look of innocence about me, that I always look shocked when I’m in the wrong as if I didn’t realize what I was doing. My parents have often said to me that I often fail to take accountability for my actions. So maybe I’m lying again to myself and I do get off on getting away with messing things up, I’m not too sure in that aspect.
I think that what causes me to act out is a sense of helplessness, normally when I’ve gotten myself in a mess or I don’t know how to control a situation. My behavior last year could be equated to extreme recklessness, only further feeding the addiction.
I don’t like holding grudges; I’m not good at it. But I do admit that when I forgive, I don’t forget which I guess is a grudge in itself. But I don’t harp on about things, everything that I deal with happens internally and I often want to act like everything is okay. I’ve never been a vengeful person so I guess that all my frustrating or anger or anguish remains shut up inside, until I inevitably explode.
Despite my claiming to be an awesome communicator it’s hard for me to talk about my feelings. I guess this is why I excuse myself by blogging and use it as therapy. I’m not overly sensitive, I feel like talking about emotions is useless and I guess I have quite a masculine mindset when it comes to being empathetic or emotional intelligence or whatever.
There are people who I can’t stand: cowards, those who are dishonest, those who are scared of everything, those who put off taking action, those who throw pity parties for themselves, the insecure and the ungrateful. What I hate even more is when I exhibit these tendencies, all of them displaying a weakness in my character and in my judgment.
I am having serious avoidance issues too, I put off doing anything that is seemingly difficult or that will possibly lead to conflict whether it has to do with work or relationships or myself. I will just find innumerous ways of avoiding what needs to be done. That is how much my fear of failure, and possibly the rejection that will inevitably ensue, has affected everything in my life. It makes things so difficult and I guess the feeling that I will inevitably fail causes me to self-sabotage and make things worse.
I have many friends- it’s hard to say this without sounding like a complete idiot, but I do. I mix with many circles and I know a lot of people. But not many people know me, and I’m very selective about the people I allow into my life, and what I allow them to see. There is this constant fear that people will reject me if people saw the real me, and it is really hard to put myself on the line.
I’m not here to confess every dark secret of mine, but what I do want is to put the past behind me and change for the better. I am ashamed of my actions and I need to fix this.
I won’t celebrate yet, I feel like doing what you’re supposed to do, NOT being a fiend shouldn’t be celebrated. You don’t congratulate someone for doing their job, that’s what you’re paying them for, just like you shouldn’t be happy that someone is living their life the right way.