I have always been a person who fears losing control. It’s not that I’m necessarily an OCD craze ball, but I like having things my way, I enjoy being right. Losing control for me is admitting to failure, something that I generally find unacceptable because it is a sign of weakness. I hate looking weak or vulnerable. That is why it is difficult for me to ask for help, needing help implies that there is imperfection within me, that I need to rely on someone else to feel strong.
This does seem quite narcissistic now that I think about it.
To ask for help, to rely on a support system is going to be difficult for me, due to my hubris. I fear completely giving myself over and still failing, for allowing people to put their trust in me and then inevitably disappointing them.
I never really thought of myself having control issues, I can be quite passive in conflicting situations however that in itself can be manipulative. I do get my way a lot, maybe because I portray innocence that people automatically assume that I am so. But I recognise that I do have a manipulative trait, never used for malice, but still it’s not something that I should use and abuse to get my way.
It is scary turning to someone for help, but also such a relief that I have such a wonderful support system at home. Everything I’ve ever done is out there in the open and they still love me and stick by me. I am truly blessed. It is such a relief and a weight off my mind and soul knowing that someone is there to help with the burdens, knowing- what I should have known all along- that I have someone to turn to.
I never put much stock in hoping that some divine being would swoop me away from my troubles, so this part of the rehabilitation is quite difficult. I believe that people make their own choices and thus must suffer their own consequences. I got myself in this mess, I can get myself out- but I will use a number of methods to keep me sane and on the right path:
- Blogging everyday- writing has always been my therapy, my church and now I use it to clear my mind and remind myself to keep on track and focussed
- Spending more time with my family- reminding myself of the values I want to aspire to characterise, to be around my parents who are truly inspirational
- Taking time out for others and to avoid being selfish, to help where I can- call it penance if you will
I know who I am, but who I am isn’t stable, it is ever-changing and hopefully now with the right frame of mind, it will change for the better.
I won’t lie, this step I s a difficult one. It talks about trust and turning your destiny over to a higher power and a lot of wishy washy mumbo jumbo that sounds like it would suit a Tyler Perry movie better. But I do put my trust in those around me, my family and the friends that have stuck by me. When it is darkest, the ones who stick around are the ones who truly care about you. I find meaning in this.
So I will emulate them, and their actions. I will take their advice and trust them to guide me down the right path as I cannot trust myself right now. And hopefully I will be for the better, because of it.